bless this poor soul

two nights ago i talked to him at a bar. he bought me a drink and told my friends he thought i was cute. That girl with the long hair, he said. what's her name? tonight when he came to my door i was happy, for full ten seconds. then. my head against a wall, suffocation, hard pushing and flat on my back, screaming for air. fighting an animal twice my size. my job was to stop him, and i failed. how can i tell you that? you met him in a bar. you see?

from this vantage point, a dot of nothingness in the corner of my bed, i understand the vast ocean of work it is to be a woman among men, that universe of effort, futile whimpers against hard stones, and oh God i don't want it. my bones are weak. i am trapped in a room with no flowers, no light, a ceiling of lead so low i can never straighten up. i don't want to live in this world.

i will be able to get up from this bed only if i can get up angry. can you understand there is no other way? i have to be someone else. not you, and not even me. tomorow or someday soon i will braid my long hair for the last time, go to m friend's house with a pair of sharp scissors, and tell her to cut it off. all of it. tomorrow or someday soon i will feel the blade at my nape and the weight will fall.

---Barbara Kingsolver in Small Wonder

someone get me the posionwood bible by the same author!!!!!!

Impregnable shards of ice have formed on my heart over the years. Yet Love, its acids, never ceases to burn through the cage to uncover raw flesh and an encumbering stone.

click 'read my VisualDNA'. then click the book to the right of my name.

it wasn't exactly a ceremony (cont.)

he delivered a bouquet of flowers in to my arms and gently placed a kiss on my right cheek. He greeted my parents with good mornings and then allowed his folks to introduce themselves to mine. He stood beside me held me by the waist and told me how beautiful I looked to him.

This sounds terribly eekish and Hollywood flick and honestly, it was, and the whole time I was just standing there unable to move a muscle. Not really all that ‘star-struck’ that I wasn’t able to move but more like ‘ hey, keep your hands by your side’ kind of thing. The flowers were beautiful (in fact all flowers are beautiful) and he was, well, charming, but I almost wanted to yell, “excuse me, we’ve just met and I’m only seventeen. Yes I understand this is a betrothal but without it I’m sure I’ll be able to find a perfect match on my own. So don’t treat me like some orphaned urchin that you spotted along the road and have since bestowed your so generous compassion on a poor helpless me. Having said that I’ll refuse to be treated in a way as if I’m now repaying your kindness my marring you and have entered you gates or treasury of women.” If I’m 40, and still single, I might have appreciated it. But I’m not even half that age, thus my sentiments were like eeky and weird and *urgh.

But in order not to disgrace my family name and to protect the dignity of my parents, I held my tongue. Almost literally, using my teeth and keeping it within my oral cavity with the help of my luscious lips.

Then we had lunch. To prevent myself from blurting words that I would regret later on I hardly spoke during the whole meal. Nearing the end of that peaceable lunch he asked if I was shy by nature and apparently I blatantly lied, “yes, I guess.” Other than that, conversation at the table revolved around the food (well, the dishes were in the centre of the table and naturally, with us sitting around the table, we spoke to each other by turning to our left or right and hence, yes, conversation ‘revolved’ around the food).

After lunch and with contented stomachs, my in-laws left, bringing their son along definitely, and I was *phew* absolutely relieved. I ran up my room, slipped into my weather beaten jeans and a white polo shirt with long sleeves which I rolled up to my elbows, grabbed my only ten gallon hat and dashed out to the back of the house, bouncing with the rabbits, running the collies and riding the horses. I was back in the confines of the prairie I know so well, where I can run free and not be kept stiff.

We won’t be living together till he’s 21, which is like just a year to go (?), and I’m sure it will pass in a blink of an eye. And after that, dooms day. Perhaps things will change after a year. After all, the only constant thing in life is change. And of course for the better, and not the opposite. I hope.

Keep smiling.

it wasn't exactly a ceremony

papers were signed, stuffs exchanged and i was in a beautiful ground sweeping dress, but no, i don't think it's a ceremony in your sense. witness were our parents, who i'm really glad warmed up to each other quickly. yes they have seen each other a few times before but not like yesterday.

to start off, the day was really nice. air was cool, sun was shining, and this sort of warm spring feeling just filled the whole house. definitely not unusual in this part of nz but since it was such a big day it was worth paying more attention to it.

it was one of those special days that a teen did not need much help waking up at seven, especially since even Hemmingway once wrote that teens sleep late and hard. otherwise, the rest was all routine. showered, brushed my teeth, had delicious homemade breakfast. nothin' else beats scrambed eggs on toast and homemade maple syrup on piping hot pancakes.

then i was dressed by the maids. a charming beige dress with a plunging v-neck. it wasn't skimpy as those you would see on final fantasy or dead or alive that made you look cheep and like a whore. this dress made me look simple elegant. thanks to the perfectly embedded crystals. it's price tag was huge. like 3 weeks of walking around and the pain of picking one out from it's dozen beautiful counterparts.

in anycase, i was waiting by the bay window in the early morning sun with my hair made up in a neat french twist. and i was waiting and dreaming. dreaming about the days to come, the kind of house we would live in and unfortunately i also dreamt realistically. for example the kind of girls he are currently dating and the fear that he'll still go back to them. but before i knew it, there he was, standing at the door in a three piece satin black suit with his parents behind.

caps are now part of my everyday fashion

i've mentioned that when i'm 17, and married, i'll shave my head, bald. well, i've just fufilled it. every word.

yeah, i surprised myself too. but it was for some cancer charity thing. kept my hair too though.. haha.
it's interesting though. having people come up to me and treating me so nicely. everyone at first glance thinks i've only got a month or two to live. haha. oh well, time of death is uncertain, but death is certainly something definite. if there's life, there will be death. for now, caps are a necessity. except during swimming trgs when i flaunt my beautiful head. (i've always thought it's shape was similar to that of the ancient mighty pharohs.) at other times, nah, i don't think i need to get anyone else unnecessarily worried for me.

being betrothed isn't bad news after all. especially to a hot someone with an extremly gifted brain. =)

to all those starting or have already started the new academic year, cheers.
luv,
*sasha`

2nd

in the interstate ice skating championship. i still think i deserve a gold, but considering that i trained only twice a week for the past 2 months, it's a terribly great end to the winter games.

was the only one in a jumper. only female in a jumper to be exact. it was lycra black with a long sleeve on my right arm all the way to the fingers, tailing off with a pointed end, fully covered with this shimmery gold embroidery. my left didn't have a sleeve. in fact it was a halter on the left. and of course was balanced with gold trimmings. the gold trimmings on the right sleeve was continuous with the velvet black designs that filled up the space on the rest of the costume. outlines of the design was too covered with sparkles. my jumper covered my skates. a perfect complememt to my ridell elite royal 900 boots. not the best but it certainly did bring me far. if my outfit seems perfectly elegant to you, it probably is. but of course it was my graceful and sleek moves than won the marks and commanded the results. any audience would agree.

i can't take your stressful conversations. period.

am i melancholic?

is my life melancholic?
was my past infested with melancholic experiences?
what is this melancholic world that i'm putting up in?
is there no end to this melancholy?

i don't know.

but there's a question that i may know the answer to..
that's

are you melancholic?

and just 'cos you're reading this right now, i'm sure you are.

sasha's wonderful theory ain't it... =D

i did try to keep this new skin simple.

honest. i really did try.